一片天空、一片海洋

McWay Fall, Big Sur, California

難得的假期，就去看看一片開闊的山海，吸一口新鮮的空氣，勞動一下久坐鍵盤前的散慢身軀。有些景致總要靠雙腿，爬過山丘，跨越峽谷，鞋子沾點塵埃，流一點汗才可以看到。日出日落、瀑布溪水、海風雲霧，周而復始，可有哪一片景致讓你不一樣？

這就是旅行的意義。 

卧在山邊的帳幕裡，清晨的日光、夜間漫天星宿、海風擦過樹梢、猫頭鷹的鳴叫、隔壁的魚池，四周安靜得可清晰地分辨感應出來。早餐在戶外的山坡上與樹叢裡可愛的小野兔共嘗，面對大海的寧謐，柔和的晨曦之光…每當在閑暇時看到美麗的風景或是寫意的一幕，不其然總會跟自己說：為什麼要這麼有效率？回去後務必要慢下來。可是，回去之後卻總是把這一切忘記得一乾二淨。 有時並不是為要完成一些事情，只是渴望給自己這短暫的生命賦予多點價值。那麼一舜間與天父的氣息最接近的寧謐裡，人就更清明地看到內心的歪念。這一刻要銘記。

是的，難得的假期，與其往人多的景點裡擠，倒不如去看看一片天空、一片海洋。 

有時候悠閒很可能是一種清醒； 而忙碌則很可能是一種糊塗。

眼前一幕

一位中年女人在街頭上，四周張望尋找與她結伴的丈夫。女人一臉愁容，非常不耐煩，口中念念有詞，遇到途人就問及有否見過她的「衰佬」。那個「衰佬」跟她走失了。我坐在一旁的長凳上目睹這一切。女人仍然心不甘情不願地卻又心急如焚地在找她的「衰佬」。不一會，「衰佬」出現了，女人更不羞臉地大駡「衰佬」的不是，害她不能放心逛街。然後二人慢慢走遠。

夫妻一場，甚麼時候開始，我的「甜心」、「打令」、「甜蜜餞」，變成了今天的「衰婆」、「衰佬」、「死肥佬」、「黃面婆」？那個十幾年前曾經讓你傾心的瀟灑哥兒、長髮及腰美到不行的女孩，你們宜得天天見面，整天貼心保護的，怎一下子讓你無動於終？

任何一份感情，若不理清它的珍貴性和要尊重它的理由，「安定」就是它的致命傷。

我們的血液裡就是有一份不想安份、任性的因子。太篤定的事情讓人很無趣，沒有挑戰性，想逃脫。我們和天父的關係也是一樣，天父的愛似乎太垂手可得，理所當然了。一份不太需要努力而得到的愛護，人自然輕視，愆生出被愛撐得過飽後的厭倦，就想自己選擇，想自由，尋找快樂。 其實真正的快樂便是在天父身邊。一切與天父隔離的都是自尋煩惱。

也許「衰佬」真的很衰，或許他們都不是最喜歡現在的彼此，嘮叨了、肥腫難分了、頹了、起皺，或更甚是愛情淡了、沒了、思想遠了，不過只因為當天在神面前承諾過「我願意」，一於咬緊牙關不放手，時刻努力尋找重新愛上的理由，自己耐心經營過而重新得到的會更珍惜。不放棄便是對承諾對生命的尊重，不管我現在是否一如以往般喜歡你。有些看法只是一念。

中年女人和她的「衰佬」又走回來了，手牽著手。

繁盛是美、凋零也很詩意

繁盛是美, 凋零也很詩意

今年的春天，小姊妹帶我去了一個密秘花園。在住宅市中有此一隅，小小園子，佈滿了心思的擺設。年頭一場春雨，花卉怒長，叢林生長茂密，小徑曲折，幾步拐個彎，又走幾步拐一個彎，締造了不小隱密的空間能擺設椅子，小桌子和太陽傘，園子雖小，但不乏私人隱密遮蔽的小天地享受一個不被打擾的寧謐靜思空間。

大自然就是有一種非言語的自癒力，讓心靈安歇下來，感受春天萬象更新的衝勁和活力，創造主透過衪的創造，好讓我的生命宛如小草綠葉般在陽光充沛下安靜地進行億萬個細胞的光合作用、新陳代謝。

昨天，我帶著最近對自己前路的迷茫，對人的不耐煩和冷漠，我又踏進這個園子。春去秋來，花卉凋謝、葉子泛黃、枝葉凋零，那股春天的氣息蕩然無存。坐在一堆宛如我心靈乾涸的叢林中，凝視著那曾經綠得風騷耀眼的園子，心中了然萬物的季節性。生命沒有沉澱，生活每天麻目不安，生活只有眼前的責任。

有一種生命力，衝勁有時，蘊藏有時，正是天父的氣息。上帝看著怎樣好就怎樣發揮。

抬頭望天，天空一無所有，大自然周而復始的存在，總教人心得安慰，隨意自在。

安靜的力量

從熱鬧、煩囂走進安靜，然後又回到喧鬧，才知道安靜的難能可貴，也能深刻體會到安靜帶來的力量。

與衪融匯

「天空一無所有，為何給我安慰。」-海子

又是一場春夜喜雨。今早醒來天空綻放著風騷驕傲的蔚藍，一場春雨潤澤了南加州的乾涸大地，一洗在空氣中的污垢，神已為我們預備了美好的一天，連心情也準備好…親近神。

墓園內靜謐和諧，先人肉身的歸處無疑確是活著的人澹泊的好去處。我們站在這個點，靠在歇息了的靈魂旁…親近上帝。

當塵世的煩囂靜止了；花兒嫩草安穩地在陽光下吸涉養分成長；鳥兒吱吱的叫聲從四方八面的樹梢間響亮鳴叫；飄浮的雲朵隨著某種拍子在天空的舞台上互相接近然後又分散，為在下的觀眾們締造出時而和暖又時而陰涼的愜意享受。偶然幾雙調皮的小鳥高速劃過，打破了萬物在這美麗和諧的節奏。宛如一首偉大交響曲中輕快高音點綴的旋律。

在這一切和諧之下，我在看以西結書。在耶和華的靈降在身上的以西結眼中看到(結1:4-9)，北方颳的風、閃爍火的大雲、火內光耀的精金… 以西結在澎湃的現象中領受神的話。我於天父安排的景致中享受衪。

在天父所設的環境中，與衪的氣息融匯。

我坐在The Mystery of Life的庭園一角找到了The Secret and the Source of Life，生命繼續向前走的力量。

- 於Glendale Forest Lawn

言語稀少

最近，沒有甚麼想說。無所想、無所感、無所啟、無所悟、無所寫。

該是走走曠野的時間。

每天都獨處，心靈卻沒有安靜，其實很痛苦。

「自由需要空間來營造，心靈需要空間，靈性才得自由。

…基督徒的自由，原是很弔詭的。真正的自由恰好是不要過度自我和執著，愈能放下，愈不執著，愈將自己的生命主權交給上帝，生命就愈有空間；人愈願意放手被上帝引領前行，人生就反而愈有方向；人愈順服愈信靠上帝，反而就愈能享受來自上帝的自由。」

(港式中產－趙崇明 p. 129)

Henri Nouwen on Solitude

“Somewhere we know that without a lonely place

our lives are in danger.

Somewhere we know that without silence

words lose their meaning,

that without listening

speaking no longer heals,

that without distance

closeness cannot cure.

Somewhere we know that with a lonely place

our actions quickly become empty gestures.

The careful balance between silence and words,

withdrawal and involvement,

distance and closeness,

solitude and community

forms the basis of the Christian life

and should therefore be the subject of our most personal attention.

Let us therefore look somewhat closer,

first at our life in action,

and then at our life in solitude.”

-from Henri Nouwen’s Out of Solitude

向澹泊出發

昨天晚上收拾行裝，準備向南卡州出發。帶著兩本書在背包，這一趟旅行希望可以陪陪爸媽探望哥哥一家之餘，更希望可以有些安靜的時間。

能夠歇下來的感覺真好。好一陣子腦袋都不能安靜下來，讀聖經、默想、禱告都不知道自己在急甚麼，好不容易才說服自己不必急著想要得著甚麼，只管安靜地看。一下子從忙到空閒，或許身體在適應吧，腦筋還在急轉彎，總想做每一件事情都得著果效。幸好，這幾天在家，把自己放空了一些。緩緩地做飯、慢慢地攪清潔、隨隨的拿起書，一切隨心而行，不必趕忙的生活，而且感覺自在。當我們活著而不欲求甚麼，得著甚麼就最自由。這樣的生活最幸福。接下來的一個多星期，好讓我的靈魂和肉體都跟天父相連，澹泊衪裡面，學習歸回安息。

諸葛亮的名言：「澹泊以明志，寧靜而致遠。」留存至今不少古人尚懂而守的訓言，我自問仍很庸俗，很愛世界。盼謙卑的泊於主旁，候聽衪的聲音，沾一點亮光與盼望。

「主耶和華以色列的聖者曾如此說，你們得救在乎歸回安息，你們得力在乎平靜安穩。你們竟自不肯。你們卻說，不然，我們要騎馬奔走。所以你們必然奔走。又說，我們要騎飛快的牲口，所以追趕你們的，也必飛快。」以賽亞書30:15-16

心靈的土壤

一個人獨自發呆，是耕耘自我的時間。
不常翻翻心靈的土壤，它就會變成一塊荒地。

我的客西馬尼

很久沒有去我的客西馬尼園了。

週六的清早，車子爬上Rosehill斜坡的頂端，在Sky Rose Chapel旁停下。在那裡有我屬靈父親的墓穴。我喜歡呆在他的墓旁許久，不知為什麼，每一次都好像那一年在他書房裡一齊談話、禱告的感覺溫暖。山坡上的風在嘯，兩株踪樹上的葉在風中沙沙的響。是有點冷，可是心中的暖把我留在哪兒。六呎深的土壤之下，他在哪兒又不在哪兒。他在衪的懷裡。

心中有很多的話要說。就在那裡，主傾聽我的心。沒有團契的事要講，沒有教會的重擔要卸下，沒有人加增在我身上的責任要逃避，只有我心中對主的渴求和一直憋緊的心情要向主投。風在耳邊呼呼的聲音，像主在回應我心中的吶喊，衪藉風把我擁抱。一切的無力、不依、不平、不透都在與主相遇時得到答案，因為衪是一切問題答案的源頭。這樣的了解要多少砥礪才可釋透？在時漫長，有時在瞬間。神就按我的程度回應我。一個擁抱就是我當下所需要的。

山後開發了一片新的墓園。有小橋流水，湖邊有供人憩息的優閒雅座。山後是另一番天地，風給斜坡擋住了，畫面像是一定格的菲林，只有小瀑布的水在動。在我垂著柳枝的湖旁坐下看聖經。偶爾身邊出現鴨子，在水中閒泳，時兒把頭潛入水中，時兒拍動雙翼。我把每一個動作都放緩，恐怕我的莽撞打擾牠們的平靜，做成滋擾。天地之間，和煦的陽光，柳陰之下，微風拂送，涓滴的流水聲，躑躅此情此地與主互動對話。

客西馬尼是主耶穌把主權重申交在父神手裡的地方。一個個人、單獨、赤裸、傾心吐意、掙扎、悲傷、汗滴如血的心靈曠野之路。最後學懂順服只有父神的旨意，而不是別的。基督徒的生命中有多少要跟主的旨意糾纏的事情，每一個跟主有差距的意旨，我們都掙扎許久。那是客西馬尼園的掙扎，是信徒成長、成聖必經砥礪之路。沒有客西馬尼園的順服就沒有十字架的經歷。就算有也只是免強被拖上十字架，而不是甘心樂意。更不用說十字架的榮耀。

一個人的旅程

這個週末給自己安排了一個人的旅程。星期五的晚上開車到卓醫生家借宿一宵，他們兩個老人家都非常的可愛又和藹。每次到他們家都好像回家一樣的。晚上一齊聊天，談談神的作為，彼此問候一下近況。早上一齊吃早飯，簡單又溫馨的麥皮和草莓早餐。老人家閒話家常，對於差傳的工作從不陳腔濫調。他總是為神的事情而傷神，忘記事情雖然已經常發生，卻沒有一分因此而在宣教的前線退下來，甚麼事情都遺忘卻沒有忘掉傳福音的心志和使命。沒錯，歲月在他身上留下痕跡，記憶還比兩年前更差了一些，身體不單有氣喘和糖尿的老毛病，又加上年前的前列腺癌，如今還帶著測心律的機器，每時每分都要觀察心臟是否在正常運作。身體雖然是一天比一天衰殘，內心卻一天新似一天，卓醫生是活現了這個聖經的真理。他的生命總在提醒我，若卓醫還在每天為廣傳福音而打拚，我，還有甚麼借口說不呢？

神啊！我知道了，我會去的。我要繼續為袮而去，因為每一次出去我都會親眼的看見我的神，袮，有多大。我的眼光有多短視、我的胸襟有多狹窄。

我嚮往在一個異國的角度，仰著頭凝視袮的作為，因袮無遠弗達的愛而屏息，更為自己的渺小而沉默許久，在安靜中聽見神的旋律，然後從沉默中引發一點點自己也沒想到可以付出的愛。

那，是一個人在心靈曠野的旅程，跟上帝遇上的謙卑經歷。

Reflection: Lecture V - Dr. John H. Coe

It is not unusual to associate the 'feeling'/presence of God is a sign of contented spirituality, and this seems to give measure to one's spiritual maturity. Dr. John Coe has gave a profound lecture and sharing on the topic, which is an eye-opening experience to my spiritual walk. After four lectures on Spiritual Formation, it is wonderful, ideal and perfect, however, there is a missing piece. God is not always near, at least to my human sensitivity and sinful nature. Being told there's a place of perfection but recognize the reality of spiritual status is an ordeal. Sincere Christian doesn't settle with status quo, and deeds don't satisfy or fill the gap in between. God seems to be absence sometimes to devoted Christian. After the lecture, there are lots of reflection and confession of wrong doings to 'muscle up' the spiritual experience or being unreal to my spirituality.

The lecture reminds spiritual leader, which alot of time tempted to generate spiritual experience/feeling to themselves or the flock. The sensation of consolation itself is wonderful, however a toxic addiction when being faked.

Dear Lord, please help me to be true to my spirituality, whether in consolation or desolation. Help me to bring about a true, genuine and authentic spiritual life that even at times of drought, You can still shine through my cracked heart.

Lecture V-Drawing Near to God When God Seems Far Away:

Practicing the Presence of God Despite Feelings (Dr. John H. Coe)
"God, who is everywhere, never leaves, us. Yet He seems sometimes to be present, sometimes absent. If we do not know Him well, we do not realize that He may be more present to us when He is absent than when He is present." Thomas Merton, No Man is an Island

I've learned two new terminologies:
Consolation - Spiritual feelings of God's presence
Desolation - Spiritual feelings of God's absence

Notes from Dr. John H Coe:
Spiritual feelings do not necessarily correlate with maturity. If that is the case, spiritual feelings of God's presence (consolation) or absence (desolation) are less the result of our actions and more the gifts of God according to His purposes.

At times of Consolation, God purposefully to encourage us, give us a taste of the presence of God and to reinforce practicing spiritual discipline. In season of Consolation, it is a great time to give ourselves to spiritual disciplines, reading of the word, prayer. Open our heart deeply, soften the focus on everything else and focus on God, welcome a time of formation.

At times of Desolation, it is a time to mirror what in our heart. Faith practice of spiritual discipline to mirror what’s inside, to see part of our heart that will shock us. God needs to do a 'heart-surgery' to our heart that has falsely attached to something else other than God. "Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD." Deut. 8:2-3 When we are hungry, our heart to will open to God.

What is going on in this desolation, what is God doing?
Spirit of God wants to make our heart Him home.

Vice and sins in heart to be removed - purge the pockets in our heart that is filled with ourselves

Most of us will choose 'consolation' over 'transformation'. The Holy Spirit has a lot to fill us, He knows and desires more of us. God can only withdrawing to feel consolation to take us on a journey to deepen our relationship with Him.

Dark Nights: when God is going to purge the heart to draw nearer to you within.

Two forms of dark nights or seasons of purgation:
· First dark night of senses: for younger believers, purging them to the reliance of consolation, meaning the presence of God by feeling of consolation.
· Second dark night of the spirit: for older believers. Need to open new rivers of living water, where a good character developed a good theology in their life. Reliance upon their character, depend upon discipline and wisdom rather than on God.

2. What is going on in the dark nights:
· Biblically this stage is likened to Young mean: wrestle with the evil one, overcome him, you are strong, word abides in you. (IJohn 2:12-14)
· God withdraws spiritual consolation: At some point, bible reading, hearing sermon, prayer lose their pleasure dimension. Ministry loses its zest. The sense of our own good character no longer satisfies – we are left with experiencing the parts of ourselves that are filled with the self and not the Spirit – this is a gift to experience the truth of parts of ourselves – and so, we become hungry for God, we want to rivers of living water. (It is hard for us let go of consolation, like a baby wants bottle. God took the bottle away, in order to re-train our sense/discernment to open to His word.)
· The Experience: in the balance of our self and the Spirit working right through our psychological functioning, we typically experience dryness, distance from God, frustration, sense of moral failure, loneliness, spiritual impotence, confusion over allegiance to the world, self or God.
· How do you know if you are in a dark night:

a) During this time, it is very difficult to pray and do spiritual discipline. Holy Spirit is choosing to give you experience (a taste) of your heart that don’t like spiritual discipline. Sometimes when we aren’t excited about spiritual things because something else is in our heart.

b) Don’t want to meditate, prayer time less, because it becoming painful to see what’s going on with our soul.

c) Worry about the state of your soul, asking questions what’s wrong with me?

· Temptation in dark nights:
 a) Temptation to think I am doing something wrong.
 b) Pray harder, generate a spiritual feeling, making something up, trying to get that love and feeling back (e.g. reading spiritual books…etc.)
c) When it doesn’t work stop doing the discipline
d) When we silently despair that God will not come.

· Remember: God is so close: This dryness is a new, more profound work of God in our deep in order to have a true, honest relationship the Spirit is attempting to reveal the truth of ourselves in neediness, to help us despair of ourselves and independence and open us to declare our dependence on the Spirit (purgative contemplation). The is what it is to be filled with the Spirit to the level one can at the stage where they are still quite filled with their own autonomous hopes, desires, wants, joys, hatreds, sorrows etc. The Spirit intends to purge these from us to slowly fill us with His own hopes etc. Nevertheless, this purgative and negative-feeling experience is a profound work of the Spirit to open us to a deeper love based upon the truth of ourselves and His loving us in light of the good and the bad within us.

· What to do or how to experience these times of desolation/dark nights
a) Going through time of dryness may be a sign/work God is working in you. Open to that.
b) Spiritual discipline change in terms of their purpose. Mirror to reality.
c) About a person from the inside calling you to listen and to watch. What is it teaching and showing you.
d) A need to resist the temptation to spiritual fix yourself.
e) Expect and want nothing except what He has to give, follow the spirit.
f) Must resist the temptation to use spiritual discipline to generate spiritual feelings. Don’t muscle it up! NO! Just let it be! Open to His word.
g) Leaders of church, resist the temptation to generate spiritual experience to people. My task is to help people to open to consolation and desolation. Praying the experience.
h) Need to be faithful to continue to do the spiritual discipline that it becomes an opportunity.
i) Need to consider this spiritual dryness is an invitation to enter to truth of your heart and just ask the spirit to teach you…

Lecture VI-A Rule of Life: Cultivating Rhythms for Spiritual Transformation (Ruth Haley Barton)

Sometimes we need to be unplugged.

I’ve learned a new term in this lecture, however it is not something new to my personal experience, CHRISTIAN FATIGUE SYNDROME. It is described as jar of water got shaken up... too many bubbles, it is unclear, it needs to be settled for clear vision. It takes a still soul to unfolding our spirituality.

Sitting down with God, with no agenda, no scripture to read, no prayer to pray, just sit still, face just what is about me at that moment with the presence of God. Hear my heart whispering my desire, the deepest desire... longing for love, happen at the unlikely place, beneath the busyness and noise. At times, this finding is not pleasant at all, and it can be quite annoying and uncomfortable to realize my longing.

Rhythms - setting up rhythms in our lives orient ourselves to the transforming of God.

Rhythms of solitude and silent: settlement of our life.
Self-awareness: seeing ourselves of who we are. (Isaiah, Paul & David)
Spiritual Journey of who we are and who God is.
Invitation to settle, water become water.
Rhythms of spiritual discipline
Normal to experience some resistance, it is time that when God is at work.
Effective Spiritual Practices
Personal – no two individual are the same. There are different practices for different sins we cope with.
Ruthlessly realistic – people with kids to take care, need to set-up realistic practice
Balance – pick those that stretch you.
Flexibility – God doesn’t need our rule of life to find us, we need it. God can still do HIS work in us, be flexibility, open to God presence.