一把麵、一點油

還沒有記下南卡之旅的點滴，近接著是小狗菲菲病倒。心裡有一個很大的懼怕，懼怕失去，感到無助，心裡的恐懼沒有人體會。不敢跟別人分享，分享過了，只是那人還沒有聽完全情況便叫我幫小狗打一針，好讓牠痛快一些。我的狗是病，但不置於走到這一步。我明白到有一些人，不會跟你討論, 只會給你結論。不敢太深入跟別人分享，有人的重擔比我還重，也有人幸福到不行，我只是家裡的一條狗在生病，就不打擾人家。當一個人在扛的時候，我方才發現自己是如此的脆弱，可以如此的無助。

星期六早上與主的時間，衪給我這一課。王上17:1-14，撒勒法的寡婦供養以利亞。天旱地乾，寸草不生，溪水枯乾，人民過活只靠僅餘的糧餉。雨一直沒有降臨，已經好幾年。沒有雨就沒有生機。我的生命也處荒年，感情、事奉、教會生活的荒年。靠著豐年時僅餘的一把麵、一點油勉強走下去，偶然找到水源，可是不消一陣子又乾了。現在碰巧生了病的小狗。罈底和瓶底信心與生命的力量都亮起紅燈，發出警號。神卻很過份的要求把僅有的傾囊相授，然後應許「罈內的麵必不減少，瓶內的油必不缺短。直到耶和華使雨降在地上的日子。」神呀！祢只看見別人的需要嗎？祢看不見我的荒涼嗎？我只剩一把麵、一點油！！我在吃「老本」，吃完了就算了。很不忿，很懼怕，很孤單，很寂寞，很沉重。很不情願的，我說：我試著看吧。請祢幫助我。衪說：「不要懼怕。」(v.13)

那個小狗生病掀起的恐懼，千絲萬縷。
那荒年老本僅餘的麵與油，欲留己用。
那傾囊相授的信心和決心，思量許久。
那句必不短缺減少的應許，戰戰兢兢。
那直到降雨於地上的日子，引頸翹望。

我的主呀！袮知道我只剩下一把麵、一點油。我要偕袮走多少的路，與袮交談多久，心裡的重擔才會長出翅膀，如飛而去？我只有試著看。

我的客西馬尼

很久沒有去我的客西馬尼園了。

週六的清早，車子爬上Rosehill斜坡的頂端，在Sky Rose Chapel旁停下。在那裡有我屬靈父親的墓穴。我喜歡呆在他的墓旁許久，不知為什麼，每一次都好像那一年在他書房裡一齊談話、禱告的感覺溫暖。山坡上的風在嘯，兩株踪樹上的葉在風中沙沙的響。是有點冷，可是心中的暖把我留在哪兒。六呎深的土壤之下，他在哪兒又不在哪兒。他在衪的懷裡。

心中有很多的話要說。就在那裡，主傾聽我的心。沒有團契的事要講，沒有教會的重擔要卸下，沒有人加增在我身上的責任要逃避，只有我心中對主的渴求和一直憋緊的心情要向主投。風在耳邊呼呼的聲音，像主在回應我心中的吶喊，衪藉風把我擁抱。一切的無力、不依、不平、不透都在與主相遇時得到答案，因為衪是一切問題答案的源頭。這樣的了解要多少砥礪才可釋透？在時漫長，有時在瞬間。神就按我的程度回應我。一個擁抱就是我當下所需要的。

山後開發了一片新的墓園。有小橋流水，湖邊有供人憩息的優閒雅座。山後是另一番天地，風給斜坡擋住了，畫面像是一定格的菲林，只有小瀑布的水在動。在我垂著柳枝的湖旁坐下看聖經。偶爾身邊出現鴨子，在水中閒泳，時兒把頭潛入水中，時兒拍動雙翼。我把每一個動作都放緩，恐怕我的莽撞打擾牠們的平靜，做成滋擾。天地之間，和煦的陽光，柳陰之下，微風拂送，涓滴的流水聲，躑躅此情此地與主互動對話。

客西馬尼是主耶穌把主權重申交在父神手裡的地方。一個個人、單獨、赤裸、傾心吐意、掙扎、悲傷、汗滴如血的心靈曠野之路。最後學懂順服只有父神的旨意，而不是別的。基督徒的生命中有多少要跟主的旨意糾纏的事情，每一個跟主有差距的意旨，我們都掙扎許久。那是客西馬尼園的掙扎，是信徒成長、成聖必經砥礪之路。沒有客西馬尼園的順服就沒有十字架的經歷。就算有也只是免強被拖上十字架，而不是甘心樂意。更不用說十字架的榮耀。

學習捨己

感謝主，有掙扎。
禱告。求主加力，付上代價，學習捨己，服事弟兄姊妹，鍛鍊更上一層樓的早禱操練。

其實可以叫你掙扎的事可以是件很小，很微不足道的事情，人是很軟弱的。不要叫今天的軟弱成為接下來這幾天可以聆聽神、經驗神的難阻。

讓今天的掙扎和順服成為明天信心的養分。所以，順服吧！主，讓我來就你。

Silient Camp

Would that be nice if we can organize a Silent Camp?

The idea has been in my mind a while back. None of the attendant need to prepare anything, all we need is just a few songs, simple songs with no music, we will sing acapella. The program will be no program at all, campers are require to spend time alone in silent solitude, the only thing will be bible, prayer, meditation, a notebook, God and you. Campers just need to walk to the dining hall at certain time and meal will be served. The rule of the camp is ‘no talking and no sharing’, even while at meal time, we sit by ourselves, just smile and nod to people and try to keep interaction to a minimal. Even if you cried, no one will come to you with tissue and comforting words, you will need to stay raw and naked before God to deal with the most inner self. A counselor will be on duty if there’s an urgent need.

No activities needed, no arrow shooting, no basketball playing, no board game… just plain nothing. A speaker will preach solid teaching from the bible, solely to nurture our spiritual life with God’s word. Campers are to wake up before dawn, spend more silent time with God, just like what Jesus does in the wilderness before day break. The entire camp will be spent with the least human interaction and program occupation.

Purposefully to discipline each of our busy life with plain spiritual discipline and basic physical need. Wouldn’t this a not bad idea to expand our spiritual experience away from usual camp activities and programs to something pure in spirituality which stimulate our spiritual appetite for Jesus?

And I wonder... if that’s something we can consider promoting and practicing in our future fellowship camp… and how many will actually advocate such…

Reaching Out - Non-religious thoughts on Spirituality...

After I read Nouwen’s “In the Name of Jesus”, I started to read more of his work. The walk of our spiritual journey is no more theory, but as real as walking in the desert alone. It is like talking to your own soul, quietly listens to the whisper of your own heart. There are tons of books telling us “how to…”, like becoming an effective spiritual leader, be a discipline Christian… The reality is that before we become someone effective, discipline and successful, we ought to walk through some painful and suffocating loneliness in dealing with our own self. The deeper I look into my own heart, the more hypocrisy I found I actually am. Without a genuine and honest look inward, the skills will just remain theory, a “hello kitty” bandit to cover up the wounded self.

The spirituality lies not on how well a person can lead bible study. It does not lie on how thorough a leader can interpret the bible, how punctual and precise the works are accomplished or the amount of service he/she can bear. It surely does not lie on the years or seniority in service.

The authenticity of spirituality is when the prodigal son kneel before the father and admitting all the wrong doings, embracing the reality that how selfish he actually is in the past and yearning the father’s forgiveness.

Excerpt from the book of Reaching Out by Henri J.M. Nouwen

The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life

1st Movement: From Loneliness to Solitude - A Suffocating Loneliness

“…To live a spiritual life we must first find the courage to enter into the desert of our loneliness and to change it by gentle and persistent efforts into a garden of solitude. This requires not only courage but also a strong faith. As hard as it is to believe that the dry desolate desert can yield endless varieties of flowers, it is equally hard to imagine that our loneliness is hiding unknown beauty. The movement from loneliness to solitude, however, is the beginning of any spiritual life because it is the movement from the restless senses to the restful spirit, from the outward-reaching craving to the inward-reaching search, from the fearful clinging to the fearless play.”

有血有肉的造就事奉

八個星期的哥林多後書研讀完成了…

這幾個星期正在掙扎，面對事奉、人事、寂寞、孤獨、埋怨…在走一些曠野的路。在神面前有很多問題，心情很糟。

看過了保羅寫給哥林多的信，加上牧師的解釋和他那些有血有肉的個人經歷，掙扎是一個對主重視和認真的僕人必經的路，而且是不斷反覆的經歷。

世界上最令人灰心的事奉是做人工作的事奉，錯敗感很大，也不一定有回報，或會受到更大的糟蹋。造就的工作實在又愛又恨，因為是一份結集著最大滿足感和錯敗感的事奉。人生命的成長，愛是必有的元素。人越來越大也越來越難去愛一群沒有血源關係的人，莫說還要在當中有犧牲，沒有犧牲的愛就跟愛沾不上邊。去愛是一件很沒把握而又往往肆意著嘗試，希望在當中得著同等的待遇，當中的纏磨極需要勇氣。真正的愛是帶著會被拒絕的危險卻仍然去愛。

正在把一些在這一課中的得著，加上自己一些的經歷和零碎的感想記錄下來，預備寫一份功課。或許神的心意要孩子在這一刻走的曠野路正配合這份功課，讓這篇功課有血有肉。

Drop the rock in your hand…

The longest distance on earth is the distance from the brain to the heart, although it's only 18 inches long physically...

Devotion: John 8:2-11

The Words said to forgive, reconcile and step forward, it might not make a difference on anyone else but it will on me. Whether to pick up a rock to throw at the person and forever stand against each other in the circle or to pick up the phone to bridge over the immeasurable distance drawn by dropping the rock.

God wrote to me on the ground... he is your brother, she is your sister, and they are my loved one... I love them as much as I love you.

God reveals that I am not any righteous than anybody else. Drop-that-rock.

Speechless but tears... struggling... struggling big time...

失望還能久長嗎？

今天神藉衪僕人的分享鼓勵正在跟心靈和腦袋交戰的我。怎麼可以這樣「應」，這麼合時的呢？

「若我們學不會對人失望，而同時對神滿存盼望，我們就必定是徹底地絕望。我們可以對神滿存盼望，是因為神是永活的，可信的；衪掌管衪所創造的世界，也會在世界上完成衪拯救的工作。這種信心並不否定人的責任，但這種信心承認救恩是出於神自己的行動，會產生耐力和順服，會臨使人以禱告仰望神的作為，也會使人感謝神，將榮耀歸給神。」

- 《輕易坦蕩事奉主》，陳濟民

神就是這麼的好，失望還能久長嗎？衪是永活的主!

失望還是會有的

爸爸說我是聰明，但沒智慧。聽見了很耿耿於懷，雖不認同，但還是認同了。因為還是未學懂怎樣減少因失望而帶來的傷害，還是很單純的去選擇相信。

天父爸爸揀選我這人做關懷和鼓勵的工作總有衪的意思吧。失望還是會有的，總是不斷學習收起自己的成見和心魔的左右。找到挽回的因由從新出發，再接再厲。弄清楚‧‧‧

什麼是重要的、什麼是不重要的；
什麼是個人的、什麼是主的；
什麼是自義的、什麼是公義的；
什麼是血氣的、什麼是屬靈的；
什麼是暫時的、什麼是永恆的。

「原來我們不是顧念所見的，乃是顧念所不見的，因為所見的是暫時的，所不見的是永遠的。」林後4:18

弄清楚以後或許還會選擇面對失望，因為肯承受失望才有希望。按著神的心意失望總比從未投入別人的生命而沒盼沒望好。在爸爸眼中可能還是個沒智慧的人，在世人眼中是個愚蠢的人，但希望在天父爸爸眼中是個忠心的僕人。暫時的失望總比不上永恆的盼望。

「那時聽衪說忠心僕人，十字架可換公義冠冕。」

The Beast Inside…

I can not but to pray for repentance.
I can not but to extend my arm to reach out for a chance to save.
I can not but to accept the fact that sin is eating bit by bit of the desolated spiritual life.
I can not but to let go of my prejudice and yearning God for more patience to love again.
I can not but to pack away my disappointment and give hope for God’s sake.

For all that I can’t, God CAN…

It is a life long lesson to tame our rebellious nature. The tug of war between the new creation in Christ with the old rebellious product of sin. It is very upsetting to see God is losing the foothold while the worldly temptation and instant gratification is gaining. Jesus must be heart broken. The potential to sin is our nature, it is in our blood. It got easily irritated, triggered and unleashed just by a minor thought to loosen and putting up the shield of faith. The Psalmist grasped this concept. Blessed are those who pondered at God’s word day and night and will live a life abundantly like it was planted by the source of water.

Dear Lord, please occupy my mind with Your precious word, lest that the worldly treasure will attract my sight. Lord, give me the trials that will keep me close to you. Grant me strength, love and patience to help those who are in need and walk with them extra miles to be close to you. Change my appetite to "Put other's need first..." Make me a blessing for I will be a curse without You.

Real Bloody and Sweaty Struggles

Jesus aches… as painful as we are when we strive through those real bloody and sweaty struggles in our spiritual walk. It makes a whole lot of different to aware that Jesus cares.

Let's not spent the lonely time alone, Jesus listens.
Let's not let go and drown to the bottom of the ocean, Jesus is reaching out his arm.
Let's not cry at the corner alone, we can weep together.
Let’s not armlessly fight Satan’s attack when we can pray hand-in-hand.
Let’s let God’s love enveloped us and spoke through the time we spent together.

The reality is irresolvable and irreversible, but there’s HOPE!

需要一些沉澱

這幾天都沒有什麼想寫的，有些心煩，有些意亂。靈性上和思想裡都需要一些沉澱。可能在工作上預知到的未來，對於必須掌握到將來的我是一份煎熬。工作‧金錢從來都不會是我的煩惱，神從來都在這方面都很看顧我。就算沒有工作一陣子我深信是可以過一年半載的。只是有機會轉變環境時有些手足無措。這些年來，朋友都有著自己的方向走。早期的一聚好朋都各有路走，這是人生吧！可能真的是時候想一想什麼地方適合我。大概一年前寫過一些想法，或許South Carolina，或許我太杞人憂天。求天父教我信心的一課。

渴慕祢 - Thirsty for You

在祢的恩光中　舉起手敬拜祢
在祢的居所中　張開口讚美祢
盡我心敬拜祢　讚美祢　擁戴祢

神啊！祢是我的神
我要切切全然地尋求祢
在乾旱疲乏和無水之地
我的心熱切渴想祢
神啊！祢是我的神
我要切切全然地尋求祢
在乾旱疲乏和無水的盡處
是我心嚮往著祢　渴慕祢

神啊！祢是我的神
我要切切全然地尋求祢
在乾旱疲乏和無水的盡處
是我心嚮往著祢　渴慕祢

在乾旱疲乏和無水的盡處
是我心緊靠著祢　愛慕祢

神呀! 走在盡處無水之地，是你在滋潤著我，鼓勵我拿著走下去的能力和決心。在水盡之時仍有敬拜、讚美你的能力。人的盡頭就是神的開始。事奉若不喜樂，那一定是出了問題。求主憐憫。

Being Upset for the WRONG reason!

Struggling big times. Sometimes I just feel terrible about myself.