受得起‧受不了

人與人之間的信任，像存款也像籌碼，是日積月濾，更是在彼此猜技中得知位置。偶爾不小心下注，關係虛實立刻見底。單純地認為信任已在年月間濾積，原來距離還是比想像的遠。再一次證明關係的事情總不能一廂情願。

對自己身份缺乏安全感的人，總要求身邊的人不斷更換相處的方式來迎合。這是多麼累的一種相處方式。你受得起時，別人卻受不了。

討厭自己

昨天上班，忘了帶公司鎖匙，因除了我之外沒有人會回公司，最終只好找大厦管理開門，開一個門就花了$25。雖是公司的錢，但真討厭氣忿自己的冒失。

有時我做了不該的事，一下子容納不到自己，那時會很討厭自己，內裡忐忑納悶不堪。

什麼時候你會有這麼一點點討厭自己，一點點生自己的氣呢？

在最趕忙的時間，忘了帶東西要折返回家。那時我會很討厭自己的冒失，真是越急越見鬼。

一個輾轉難眠的晚上，腦袋滿是自責的聲音，怎麼我這個人滿是瘕疵，更討厭自己總是愛與別人比較。

諸事不順的一天，留守家中，無論拿這什麼東西都會不小心掉到地上，澆水淋花也瀉滿一地子，洗車子也弄得全身濕透。打開電腦寫作文章，還未存案就關掉軟件。連叫小狗菲菲來慰藉一下也不管用。

明明跟自己說了不要開口說話，卻沉不住氣說了不該說的話，真該死。

為了一件很微不足道的事情生氣，別人問及也只說別的，也不提及真正生氣的原因。因為真正生氣的原因很不大方和小家。

在需要別人呵護時卻裝強，死也不開口求助，害得自己獨自飲泣。

心裡確定了要對家人好一點，在緊急關頭卻做出自私的行為，更無理的發脾氣。

明明是哥哥沒有好好愛護妹妹，沒有一點憐憫，也說不出口，一開口便激動的哭起來，彷彿像是我的錯。

朋友無理的猜忌，道理明明在自己這邊，一開口就嗚咽，什麼都說不出口。

對著自己喜歡的人總不能待他溫柔一點，總是粗粗老老的，討厭自己的自卑、倔強和一副不可愛的德性。

答應過神不要再犯的錯，總是一而再，再而三的重複犯錯。犯後很懊悔，很自責。

最討厭自己是明明很在乎，卻強裝一點也不稀罕，討厭自己總不能弱小一點。

The Judgment of FIRE

A lot of time, FIRE is signified as God’s judgment in the bible.

November 15, 2008, atheist at Bay Area San Francisco has hold November 15 to be ‘Great American God-Out’ Day.

The same day, big swamp of No to Prop 8 homosexual advocates are demonstrating through the streets in Los Angeles Downtown,

The same day, a Taiwan episode is praising a woman who works for the pornography business of her sacrificial accomplishment.

On the news a transgender man is pregnant. He is legally a man and married to a woman.

On the news, Taiwan former President Chen is arrested for corruption charges.

The same day, non-stop 24 hours live breaking news of the biggest uncontainable destruction wildfire in California.

I am not a prophet. But this vast spread of wildfire did speak a message to me . The sinful act of human in morality and corruption of their faith are like burning smoke rises in the atmosphere rise to the front of God’s throne. The American land is polluted in faith, ethics and moral. The dark sight blocking smoke covered up the clear blue sky, just like how the false teaching of ‘civil rights and equality for all’ slogans are eroding the purity of faith and twisting the infallible truth.

God’s is righteous. He will never let wrong be right or right be wrong.

In Numbers Chapter 16, an instant plague killed a vast number of people because God’s holiness has been invaded.

In Exodus, Aaron led the Israelites to worship the golden calf. The fierce anger of God struck the people with a plague.

Sodom and Gomorrah, the two sinful wicked cities, their sinfulness is great in the eye of God. God’s merciful capacity is filled. He can’t hold His wrath no more. The city is best known of its sexual deviation. The word Sodom and sodomy share the same root word, which is used to describe the act of anal intercourse. And this is exactly the sin inhabitants in Sodom committed on the three men who sent to Sodom to save Lot and his family. God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah by fire and brimstone.

And the list goes on and on…it is not a new thing that God will react on sin committed by human. God will not let unrighteous have their way. God will send signs, signals, message and alert to those who love Him to call for repentance.

King Manasseh, the bible has described him as the wicked king of all. His wickedness has caused a great ordeal to his people and country, and even to himself. He has been under captive of Assyria, suffered a whole lot in the dungeon. The twist of his fate is a prayer, a repentance prayer. “In his distress he sought the favor of the Lord his God and humbled himself greatly before the God of his fathers. And when he prayed to him, the Lord was moved by his entreaty and listened to his plea;” II Chronicles 33:12

Would you join me for prayer of repentance for the sin of our country, the sin of homosexuality, the sin of getting God out, the sin of not respecting Him as God, the sin of playing God ourselves… this is the most effective antidote and remedy to these disastrous crisis. It is the last thing God would want to send us of these signs catastrophically... but if we still keep our ear and eye closed, what He must do, He will.

Dear Lord, have mercy on us. We are sinners and deserve none of your grace. We humble before you because of our sinfulness and our inequality transgression. Your heart breaks for our sin. Lord, please shake us awake spiritually. May you speak to everyone of us to wake up to your call, for repentance. May your grace shower on us like rain, cleanse us, purify and refine our faith through the FIRE. In Jesus’ precious name. Amen.

Gratitude (by Nicole Nordeman)

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight

Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between
What we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace

But Jesus, would You please . . .

品牌

我絕不是追求名牌的人。名牌手袋是有幾個，當中只有兩個是用自家錢買的，其他都是別人送的。我從不為名牌而瘋狂，買名牌是因為物有所值。十多年前買了第一個名牌銀包，時至今天我仍是用著它，款式和設計還是那麼耐看和耐用，物超所值。

我喜歡耐用的東西。衣服款式可說是有點守舊，因此也很少買衫換季或換款。曾在香港時裝店買的衣物，款式是很時尚，但質料卻很粗劣。比較合式一些常追緊潮流的人。高檔貨和低檔貨都不是我杯茶。媽媽卻常買時尚的服飾給我，我總是一二三的說不，然後全數歸還，她的眼光和膽色總比我前衛。有些衣服和手袋是無法出街的。

這麼多年我的衣物很多都是「無印良品」的出品。不知從那一年返港碰巧在「無印良品」買了一些衣物，從此就喜歡了這個品牌。喜歡它的單調，不靠包裝，貨真價實。款式從不花巧亦不老土，衣物用料全綿，耐用襟著。每次回港也會幫襯上好幾次，買完一次又一次，一件衫同一款式會買上不同的顏色。那裡還有我喜歡用的文具、筆記本、實用袋、化妝和家居用品，應有盡有。可惜的是它在美國沒有門市。

我喜歡的東西是很少會更換，我喜歡的品牌也很專一。這麼多年我開的車子、用的理髮師、護膚品、文具、喜愛的作者、夢想旅行的地方、工作和朋友都沒有多少轉變。這一切也逐漸成為了我的品牌。

Inner Strength

It is quite depressing to take in the things that are happening today. The fatigue comes from the anxiety of being helpless in situation. The future becomes more and more difficult, not in terms of financial crisis, but more to the morality and the internal cohesiveness of church, which we Christian called Unity.

Just this past weekend, I get to read the most familiar bible story of all, the return of the prodigal son. The story being told thousands of time and has been preached from different perspectives. Probably the most repeated telling of the scripture make the most impact. God has touched my heart profoundly. The Holy Spirit sits right at the wound on the brokenness of my heart. The Father’s love to the prodigal son, the love that enveloped the return of the sinner, the embrace that provided the rest, acceptance and peace calm the wounded spirit within me. While I am wrapping up my primary service, insecurity arises. It is a challenge, being taking to a territory of unknown takes courage and faith. I see myself like the prodigal coming home. Coming home with a brand new identity, being home not like a worker. Learning to live with the community I am so familiar with a different role. Yet, I am both excited and anxious. God has led me to this uncertainty for a growth of faith and courage to change. The intimacy with the Father is all it takes to overcome such anxiety. The solid relationship with the Father is what count for personal accomplishment. The humble kneeling before the Father is where the source of strength. The abandoning of me in the Lord is where security could be found.

In trembling steps, ushering into a new era of spiritual walk, building spiritual life but not ministry skills. And… Let home be HOME.

Billy Graham's Prayer For Our Nation

"Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says, 'Woe to those who call evil good,' but that is exactly what we have done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values. We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery. We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare. We have killed our unborn and called it choice. We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable. We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self esteem. We have abused power and called it politics. We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition. We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression. We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment. Search us , Oh God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and Set us free. Amen!"

A 90 year old old servant of God, remains faithful to preach the solid gospel of God.

Losing a Battle; Winning the War

Obama won the presidency.
Prop 8 has passed by a margin of 5%.
Prop 4 didn’t get passed by a margin of 5%.

Tuesday night was a critical moment. We sat in the front of the TV, listening to Obama victory speech. Together with some broadcast reporters, a lot of people cheer for the new president with his First family-to-be. I doubted what kind of ‘change’ it going to be. Prayer goes to the new president for a ‘change’ of better moral and purer faith.

Wednesday morning. Those who care are alert. 99% got count, 52% for Prop 8 and none of the media is willing to call it an end. None were giving up calling it a failure because there is still 1% of the residual absentee ballots to be counted. Opponents of Prop 8 spent $74 million, it is the most costly social-issues campaign in history. We won. Not by might, nor power, but by the spirit of God. Lawsuits have been filed by Prop 8’s opponents. More battles are to be fought by us Christian soldiers. In 2004, Proposition 22 is won by a bigger margin of 23%. In 2008, the margin dropped to a 5%. The number speaks. How we Christian today should prepare to fight another battle in the near future?

The Lord of hosts will lead us into victory.

結束就是開始

了結這些年來建立經營的一切，談可容易？既然已經想了這麼久，又可必待到意興闌珊的地步才放手呢？疲倦、不捨是必然，亦有自私的理由留下，但也不能長久的待在原地，努力踏步卻寸步難行，費盡力氣只是在消耗時間和放在前頭的機會。轉轉新的環境，學習做一個跟從者或能成為一個更勝任的領袖。要洞悉就必須停止往死胡同裡鑽，因此，拿出勇氣把它鐡定了。往外吸一口新鮮空氣，走出安全區，到不熟悉的領域。讓別人和自己也得有新嘗試，靈裡亦必有新突破。

今天，我喜愛的作家寫了以下的一段話…
「一個人的思慮愈多，愁煩也愈多。我現在不是不快樂，但也不是快樂。
當你了解人生，你幾乎沒有不快樂的理由，但你也沒有特別興奮的理由。
人不可能每天都快樂，唯一可以做的，是盡量享受當下這一刻的快樂。尤其當你知道，紜紜眾生裡，總有一些人關懷你，即使滿懷愁思，你還是會抹乾眼淚，努力笑一個。」

真的，人生就是這麼怪妙，只要有神在其中，有關懷的家人在身邊，就有勇氣迎向一切計劃以外的改變，心裡安然。這豈只是快樂，這是喜樂。

白宮「變」色

一場激烈的竸選活動，白宮變色了。白宮的白與黑並不重要，是非真理的黑與白才是最要緊。再一次證明，時勢是可做英雄。高談闊論的「變」，無人會知是怎樣。我所關心的是人性道德的變，只怕經濟好起來，人民道德卻下降，最終把黑的變白。

神所用的人並非什麼能幹的偉人。衪所要的人是一個心裡清正，敬畏、順服衪的謙卑人。

「他不喜悅馬的力大，不喜愛人的腿快。耶和華喜愛敬畏他，和盼望他慈愛的人。」詩篇147:10-11

「耶和華卻對撒母耳說，不要看他的外貌和他身材高大，我不揀選他，因為耶和華不像人看人，人是看外貌，耶和華是看內心。」撒母耳上16:7

「有人靠車，有人靠馬，但我們要提到耶和華我們神的名。」詩篇20:7

「耶和華在他的聖殿裡，耶和華的寶座在天上，他的慧眼察看世人。」詩篇11:4

選擇, 未來