有、沒有

在網上看到這個故事，蠻有意思的…

有一個年輕人，大學畢業後準備報考研究所，並同時應徵了一份非常嚮往的工作，然而，似乎天不從人願，他研究所沒有考上，原先最嚮往的工作也沒有錄取，還跟女朋友分手。他受不了精神上的打擊，整個人變得極為憂鬱、退縮。

好朋友介紹他去向一位心理治療師求助，他憂愁地說：「我的研究所沒考上，想要的工作沒錄取，女朋友也告吹了，這些我都失去了，我現在什麼都沒有了！」

在跟治療師傾訴完自己的不幸之後，治療師耐心、微笑地問了他幾個問題：「怎麼會什麼都沒有呢？想一想，五年前的你有大學文憑嗎？」

「沒有。」

「對！所以現在的你比起五年前多了張大學文憑！」

「五年前的你有一技之長嗎？」

「沒有。」

「所以現在的你至少在工作實力上比起五年前要好了很多！」

「五年前你有跟你剛分手的女朋友在一起嗎？」

「也沒有。」

「所以現在的你也沒有比以前慘，不但如此，你還在大學裡交到了一群死黨！」

接著，治療師用一種興奮的口氣對他說：「想一想，這五年來你不但沒有失去很多，反而得到了很多，你的生命中多了很多原本沒有的東西！你的收穫多大啊！」年輕人頓時豁然開朗。

轉個角度，換個眼光，事情並不是想像中那麼糟。

別離的擁抱

不知不覺間有些人在自己身邊好一段日子，雖不是最好朋友的那種，平常的日子也沒太多的交通，但見到面時總是歡歡喜喜的。

最近就是有兩位這樣的弟兄姊妹要回港生活。心裡真有點不捨。對於別離，我是不太懂得應付，是會很眼淺的。大多都會選擇逃避臨離別前的眼光，眼睛望得太深就會觸動情感。因此我或會選擇來一個別離的擁抱來代替講話，是怕眼睛泄露了不捨而令場面難堪。上帝創造了擁抱，讓我們能用行動表示關愛、不捨、掛念和說不出來的感情並加上祝福，不需要眼睛或言語也能傳遞的信息。

願主祝福你倆路途平安。

Reflection: Lecture V - Dr. John H. Coe

It is not unusual to associate the 'feeling'/presence of God is a sign of contented spirituality, and this seems to give measure to one's spiritual maturity. Dr. John Coe has gave a profound lecture and sharing on the topic, which is an eye-opening experience to my spiritual walk. After four lectures on Spiritual Formation, it is wonderful, ideal and perfect, however, there is a missing piece. God is not always near, at least to my human sensitivity and sinful nature. Being told there's a place of perfection but recognize the reality of spiritual status is an ordeal. Sincere Christian doesn't settle with status quo, and deeds don't satisfy or fill the gap in between. God seems to be absence sometimes to devoted Christian. After the lecture, there are lots of reflection and confession of wrong doings to 'muscle up' the spiritual experience or being unreal to my spirituality.

The lecture reminds spiritual leader, which alot of time tempted to generate spiritual experience/feeling to themselves or the flock. The sensation of consolation itself is wonderful, however a toxic addiction when being faked.

Dear Lord, please help me to be true to my spirituality, whether in consolation or desolation. Help me to bring about a true, genuine and authentic spiritual life that even at times of drought, You can still shine through my cracked heart.

Lecture V-Drawing Near to God When God Seems Far Away:

Practicing the Presence of God Despite Feelings (Dr. John H. Coe)
"God, who is everywhere, never leaves, us. Yet He seems sometimes to be present, sometimes absent. If we do not know Him well, we do not realize that He may be more present to us when He is absent than when He is present." Thomas Merton, No Man is an Island

I've learned two new terminologies:
Consolation - Spiritual feelings of God's presence
Desolation - Spiritual feelings of God's absence

Notes from Dr. John H Coe:
Spiritual feelings do not necessarily correlate with maturity. If that is the case, spiritual feelings of God's presence (consolation) or absence (desolation) are less the result of our actions and more the gifts of God according to His purposes.

At times of Consolation, God purposefully to encourage us, give us a taste of the presence of God and to reinforce practicing spiritual discipline. In season of Consolation, it is a great time to give ourselves to spiritual disciplines, reading of the word, prayer. Open our heart deeply, soften the focus on everything else and focus on God, welcome a time of formation.

At times of Desolation, it is a time to mirror what in our heart. Faith practice of spiritual discipline to mirror what’s inside, to see part of our heart that will shock us. God needs to do a 'heart-surgery' to our heart that has falsely attached to something else other than God. "Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD." Deut. 8:2-3 When we are hungry, our heart to will open to God.

What is going on in this desolation, what is God doing?
Spirit of God wants to make our heart Him home.

Vice and sins in heart to be removed - purge the pockets in our heart that is filled with ourselves

Most of us will choose 'consolation' over 'transformation'. The Holy Spirit has a lot to fill us, He knows and desires more of us. God can only withdrawing to feel consolation to take us on a journey to deepen our relationship with Him.

Dark Nights: when God is going to purge the heart to draw nearer to you within.

Two forms of dark nights or seasons of purgation:
· First dark night of senses: for younger believers, purging them to the reliance of consolation, meaning the presence of God by feeling of consolation.
· Second dark night of the spirit: for older believers. Need to open new rivers of living water, where a good character developed a good theology in their life. Reliance upon their character, depend upon discipline and wisdom rather than on God.

2. What is going on in the dark nights:
· Biblically this stage is likened to Young mean: wrestle with the evil one, overcome him, you are strong, word abides in you. (IJohn 2:12-14)
· God withdraws spiritual consolation: At some point, bible reading, hearing sermon, prayer lose their pleasure dimension. Ministry loses its zest. The sense of our own good character no longer satisfies – we are left with experiencing the parts of ourselves that are filled with the self and not the Spirit – this is a gift to experience the truth of parts of ourselves – and so, we become hungry for God, we want to rivers of living water. (It is hard for us let go of consolation, like a baby wants bottle. God took the bottle away, in order to re-train our sense/discernment to open to His word.)
· The Experience: in the balance of our self and the Spirit working right through our psychological functioning, we typically experience dryness, distance from God, frustration, sense of moral failure, loneliness, spiritual impotence, confusion over allegiance to the world, self or God.
· How do you know if you are in a dark night:

a) During this time, it is very difficult to pray and do spiritual discipline. Holy Spirit is choosing to give you experience (a taste) of your heart that don’t like spiritual discipline. Sometimes when we aren’t excited about spiritual things because something else is in our heart.

b) Don’t want to meditate, prayer time less, because it becoming painful to see what’s going on with our soul.

c) Worry about the state of your soul, asking questions what’s wrong with me?

· Temptation in dark nights:
 a) Temptation to think I am doing something wrong.
 b) Pray harder, generate a spiritual feeling, making something up, trying to get that love and feeling back (e.g. reading spiritual books…etc.)
c) When it doesn’t work stop doing the discipline
d) When we silently despair that God will not come.

· Remember: God is so close: This dryness is a new, more profound work of God in our deep in order to have a true, honest relationship the Spirit is attempting to reveal the truth of ourselves in neediness, to help us despair of ourselves and independence and open us to declare our dependence on the Spirit (purgative contemplation). The is what it is to be filled with the Spirit to the level one can at the stage where they are still quite filled with their own autonomous hopes, desires, wants, joys, hatreds, sorrows etc. The Spirit intends to purge these from us to slowly fill us with His own hopes etc. Nevertheless, this purgative and negative-feeling experience is a profound work of the Spirit to open us to a deeper love based upon the truth of ourselves and His loving us in light of the good and the bad within us.

· What to do or how to experience these times of desolation/dark nights
a) Going through time of dryness may be a sign/work God is working in you. Open to that.
b) Spiritual discipline change in terms of their purpose. Mirror to reality.
c) About a person from the inside calling you to listen and to watch. What is it teaching and showing you.
d) A need to resist the temptation to spiritual fix yourself.
e) Expect and want nothing except what He has to give, follow the spirit.
f) Must resist the temptation to use spiritual discipline to generate spiritual feelings. Don’t muscle it up! NO! Just let it be! Open to His word.
g) Leaders of church, resist the temptation to generate spiritual experience to people. My task is to help people to open to consolation and desolation. Praying the experience.
h) Need to be faithful to continue to do the spiritual discipline that it becomes an opportunity.
i) Need to consider this spiritual dryness is an invitation to enter to truth of your heart and just ask the spirit to teach you…

A Poem dedicated to those who lost their home…

When the fire and wind are gone
The memories covered in the rubbles and ashes are still fond
The house is no more a shelter
The family holds each other together
The fire might fiercely burn longer and longer
Our family bond even stronger and stronger
Smoke arise to the sky carried a prayer to God
What lies ahead is a path remain broad
Keep us near and hold us close
In Your bosom is our cure dose
The bed and cover would keep us warm
In Your embrace we slumber till dawn

Please continue to pray for them to experience God's love in the midst of this ordeal...

捉緊我

捉緊我

曲、詞：周敏曦

在我身心困倦之時
唯 有你是我力量
讓我今天重返你施恩座前
求饒 恕，求憐 憫，
倚靠在你臂內

讓我屈膝於活水旁
求 你賜我力量
讓我今天重新到達你面前
蒙饒恕，蒙憐憫，得安慰

求你再捉緊我
別讓世間紛擾纏住我
請靠緊我心，給我多點勇敢
求讓我看見你更多

求你再捉緊我
用你釘傷的手變改我
疲倦裡再以熱能贈我

在我灰心失落之時
唯 有你是我力量
讓我今天重返你施恩座前
求饒 恕，求憐 憫，
倚靠在你臂內

讓我屈膝於活水旁
求 你賜我力量
讓我今天重新到達你面前
蒙饒 恕，蒙憐 憫，得安慰

求你再捉緊我
別讓半點灰心留住我
請靠緊我心，給我多點勇敢
求讓我看見你更多

求你再捉緊我
用你釘傷的手變改我
疲倦裡再以熱能贈我

感激你是我主，是垂聽禱告的主
求讓我再靠著你振翅高飛
求你再捉緊我
別讓半點紛擾纏住我

請靠緊我心，給我多點勇敢
求讓我看見你更多
求你再捉緊我，
用你釘傷的手變改我
疲倦裡再以熱能贈我
明日裡與我共行緊貼著我

Family Tuesday

Every Tuesday is Family Night. The kids will be back and dinner at home. It is so amazing to see Jacob grow. He is able to pick up the spoon and feed himself. After dinner, it's exercise time... !

「色‧戒」

張愛玲的書就只看過「張看」。一般張愛玲的小說也不是容易看的，文化、詞語都有別於一般流行小說。其中「傾城之戀」和「半生緣」是比較熟悉又給拍成電影的故事，那兩齣戲應該是看過，但不太有印象。最近人人都在討論那齣「色‧戒」，電影當然沒有看過，書就反倒看過。收錄在「惘然記」中的「色‧戒」，只是廿多頁的短篇小說。故事不怎麼吸引，也沒什麼特別的情節，更沒有什麼的印象，亦非現在報章吹捧的那樣。我想我這個只有小六中文程度的我，真的不太懂欣賞這類作品。那些情慾戲份在書中只是很含蓄的交代罷了，製片商的手段是誇大及虛張聲勢來賺多個票房吧。

是藝術或是色情；是一齣荷李活導演的傑作還是電影商人給色情電影披上的糖衣？我不懂判斷也沒有資格去判斷。前期香港要拿聖經送檢，若這個「色‧戒」也拿去檢一檢結果又會是怎樣？

率真

婚禮的致謝詞一般都是感謝父母時最感動。今天聽到的致謝詞都感動。是一份率真，叫就算沒有美麗的措詞及修飾的語句也能刺激淚腺，叫視線模糊。幸福是真的會感染別人。今天就是沾染了這一點點的氣息。能夠成為彼此心目中世界唯一，雖然每一天都相見，但總有這麼多問不完的問題。對彼此的好奇心就是不會減滅，反而與日俱增。兩個人簡簡單單的生活，就是不用太多言語的幸福。

選擇仰望衪的笑臉

「我的心啊，你為何憂悶，為何在我裡面煩躁？應當仰望神，因衪的笑臉幫助我。」詩篇42:5

本來三個小時的等候，對我這個急性子是一種煎熬。最怕是別人手腳慢，心裡會盡是責罵。但這三個小時在Costco等候換呔的時候卻轉為一個小小的空間、一個自己和主耶穌的約會，把那些久‘未分類’的心情與心聲一同翻閱和歸類。

是煎熬、是安靜；是認真、是敷衍；是回首、是仰望也是一念。是另一種眼光，來尋覓天父偶爾裝飾過的祝福。

誤會：用行動讓周圍的人更深入瞭解你的機會。
失敗：避免重蹈覆轍，邁進向成功的踏腳石。
創傷：來到神面前經歷屬天醫治的特權。
苦難：鍛鍊信心更加純淨的爐火。
壓力：增加工作效率的助手。
貧窮：引動我來領受屬靈豐富的激素。
批評：光照我盲點的雪亮鏡子。
拒絕：開啟另一道門的同義詞。

抬頭仰望天父，衪在黑雲之上展現一張微笑的臉。

都靠祈禱...

「因為我們雖然在血氣中行事、卻不憑著血氣爭戰，我們爭戰的兵器、本不是屬血氣的、乃是在神面前有能力、可以攻破堅固的營壘、將各樣的計謀、各樣攔阻人認識神的那些自高之事、一概攻破了、又將人所有的心意奪回、使他都順服基督，並且我已經預備好了、等你們十分順服的時候、要責罰那一切不順服的人。你們是看眼前的麼，倘若有人自信是屬基督的、他要再想想、他如何屬基督、我們也是如何屬基督的。」

身份証

終於我有香港‘智能’身份証啦。(是智能，因為當在香港出入境時可用E-道，聽說是更快捷、方便的。但是我的經歷是海關的公作人員還要比E-道快呢，是真的…)

今年八月六號，哥哥幫我預約到灣仔政府大樓換身份証。那天以為會消耗一整天的時間在等，殊不知那個過程非常快捷。是在香港逗留的幾天裡最productive的一天，因為之後又打風又落雨。事隔差不多三個月，不是媽媽回美後三個星期的今天才記得拿出來，我大概以經忘記了。移居美國多年，這次換身份証才第一次擁有印有香港特別行政區的身份証。還有那個印在身份証上的樣，終於看起來不再是小朋友的樣子。以前那張相真的很像發水麵包。多得科技的進步和追求專業的香港政府，這次還很禮貌的拍了三次，把最滿意的放在身份証上。

下一次回港也可用一用E-道，看看有沒有進步。還有是必要過大海(澳門)一轉，拿一個澳門身份証，繼而再攪張回鄉咭，那再去大陸短宣就不用簽証了。想起澳門那個 “非常方便” 的換領程序…值得。下次回港該是去看看Dinny的小孩了。Dinny，你得賞所願啦！

美麗的矛盾 - paradoxical truth of Christianity

當我敗在袮的手裡，
我將會成為得勝者。

當我願意降卑，
我將會被高升。

當我委身做袮的奴僕，
我將享有完全的自由。

當我為袮而貧窮，
我將因此而富有。

當袮剝奪我的一切，
我將從此擁有一切。

當我為袮負軛，
我肩上的擔子變為輕省。

當我在袮的寶座前跪下，
我竟被袮邀請同坐寶座。

當我為袮撇下世界美名，
我聽見袮給我一個新名。

當我為袮而減少，
我就因此而加增。

當我選取跟隨袮的十架窄路，
我發現我的道路因此寬廣。

The paradoxical truth of Christianity, thank you Jesus! Everything is different through your magical touch.

屬於她的聖經

今早收到容縣來的電郵。她在電郵中十分興奮的告訴我，她將擁有一本屬於自己的聖經！感謝主，衪的工作從沒有停頓過一刻。

效主謙卑

群中那邊，無聲一個，才華沒有，人卻善良。
無聲中，奉獻盡心，未想得到，喝采歡暢。
群中這邊，狂囂一個，說聲滔滔，才幹萬樣。
群宣中，羨煞目光，搏取得到，顯赫的模樣。
基督眼裡，那個尋著路向？
靠著才華如何誠心仰望？
基督要你撇棄狂傲自負，
效法衪的謙卑，信實，愛心！
神實踐一生謙卑擔當憂困，奉獻出身心，
甘於漂流不計風霜侵，但你我卻要競逐名利，
給世俗錢財，榮華來拘禁！

神實踐一生謙卑擔當憂困，
讓我真心將一生主權交衪肩枕。
願你我放棄競逐名利，謙信，柔和，願再生！
縱是才華權能搖撼四方，不及信靠敬拜悠然樂暢！

很久都沒有聽過這首歌，因某原因，就拿起來聽聽。也帶來自我的提醒…
只有在不斷的自醒和聖靈的光照下，才可把自己的本相照出來。

距離...

記得在中學時學過Geometry，兩點之間最近的距離是一條直線，而這兩點之間盡管有多近，它們之間的距離仍然是infinity。(你或許不信，但我是全班最高分的。嘻嘻！)

人與人之間的距離，盡管花盡時間心機去溝通，若不是有神在中間填補這個infinity的空隙，這個距離仍然是infinity。

若這個關係已經令你很累，也耗盡了可以的方法，卻又徒勞無功，為什麼不找找神呢？

大"誠"小事

這幾天都收到你們有意無意的小心意，很窩心！ 在這初冬的季節份外暖心。

「幸福小師奶」頂著大肚子也為我買喉糖。讓我這個本來快咳到「膶」都快要飛埋出嚟的人，還想裝著咳給你再寵多一回。你的母愛越來越濃呢！

這個很少說話的「世嶽」兄也說我的聲線低沉了。連我自己也察覺不到，可能我比較喜歡低沉的聲線，因為聽起來比較迷人… 或是有助於聖誕詩班唱Alto吧！

還有這個「緊急人」帶來的歌。你還記得幾個星期前我說過要的，亦不只是那首我想要的，還有數不盡的其他。在你心情這麼糟糕的時候你還為我費心，感動。

其實感恩或埋怨只是一念。凡事於好處著眼，小事上尋找涵意，能看到別人在自己身上花過的心思，人也開懷了！若要可憐兮兮卑微的乞求被愛，倒不如慷慨的施予，會換來意想不到的收穫。

快趕去在別人身上作一點小事，小事能化成大誠，滿溢我們間的友情。

Real Bloody and Sweaty Struggles

Jesus aches… as painful as we are when we strive through those real bloody and sweaty struggles in our spiritual walk. It makes a whole lot of different to aware that Jesus cares.

Let's not spent the lonely time alone, Jesus listens.
Let's not let go and drown to the bottom of the ocean, Jesus is reaching out his arm.
Let's not cry at the corner alone, we can weep together.
Let’s not armlessly fight Satan’s attack when we can pray hand-in-hand.
Let’s let God’s love enveloped us and spoke through the time we spent together.

The reality is irresolvable and irreversible, but there’s HOPE!

徹底明白…

上帝是愛與慈悲、憐憫，同樣也是公義、忌邪、聖潔、滿有權能的神。對於上帝的愛與慈悲、憐憫，似乎沒有什麼難度去接受，因為給上帝愛著是多麼幸福的一件事。在信主的一刻，主耶穌在十字架為我們的罪被釘死，神的愛盡顯於此。每當想起主為我走上十架的時候，內心攪動，主的愛成為最大的動力去愛其他人和跟隨神。但是主十字架的義意不止於此，在這十字架的背後，有另一幅圖畫。在耶穌基督血流滿面，片體鏻傷和釘痕的背後是神的震怒，是神對罪如此的憎恨，寧願犧牲愛子耶穌，把罪所帶來的死亡和羞辱盡傾在耶穌身上。只看到神是愛、慈悲與憐憫，並不完全明白神愛、慈悲與憐憫。在接受上帝的愛以先，必須經過上帝的公義、忌邪、聖潔和權能，也必須嚴苛的 對付自己的罪，到痛不欲生、恨之入骨的地步。當自己也無法接納自己是如此污穢不堪的一刻，聖靈引我到髑髏地十字架面前，看見掛在木頭上的主，在四目交投的 一刻… 「主呀！為什麼？值得嗎？」主看到我的痛衪也痛，衪看到我的淚也哭了。「我就是愛你。就這麼簡單。一切也不用說。只管接受。」然後，雙膝跪下在十字架前流 淚痛哭悔改。這一幕必須經過，也必須重覆經過，以免我這個善忘的人忘記主有多愛我，有多痛恨我犯罪。

長路盡處有燈火

從來能夠精誠所致的事情都教人鼓舞。誠意就是一件事情是否完滿的一個很重要的關鍵，而非成敗得失。

人生裡一場又一場的考驗，其實是上主恩賜我們蛻變的機會。一個段落的結束，另一個段落的開始；戰勝了這一個自己，是為壯茁的去迎戰下一個更強的自己。

長路盡處的燈火意味著黑夜不會長久的。在失落中的你就咬緊牙關走下去吧！燈火的背後或許是光明，或許是另一條更長更黑的路，不要怕，只要緊捏主的手，每一段路的盡頭總有歇腳處、有盼望，為要預備我們進入完全永恆的光明之中。不放棄便是對生命的誠意。就這樣帶著誠意向前邁進，雖然我也同在摸索，但必在你的附近，而主必在我們長路盡處的前方。

入冬了！

當我己經從一輪病患之後痊癒過來的時候，我身旁的一眾好友都在生病...我只可說...唔關我事架！我病好好耐呢。香港的摯友在生病，這裡的好朋友也在生一個又如"滾筒式"的病。連小"吱吱"都不舒服，看見小朋友病都心痛。天氣轉涼了，大家要加添衣裳以免著涼。

早上的時候是特別意識到冬天來臨了。在暖粒粒的被窩中久久也不願起床，每早晨也例必‘look’一輪床才肯起身梳洗上班。媽媽是最好的，冬天的時候必先把洗手間的暖氣開了，讓我不必在超涷的洗手間內抖震。媽媽最細心，還有一杯熱騰騰的檸蜜，不但暖手、暖身、又潤喉仲暖心添！如果他日有幸成為別人的媽媽，我也希望有媽媽一半的溫柔、細心跟愛心就好了。

入冬了，要送暖是時候了！

Lecture III - The Heart of Christian Spirituality: Falling for God (Gary W. Moon)

Religion vs. Righteousness -
Religion is whatever you and I do in order to get God to love us more than we think He wants to.
Righteousness is understood in the OT as a very different term. The chief end of man, is to serve God and enjoy Him Forever.

The 3 C's of Lasting Love -
1. Taking time for Conversation
2. Becoming honest enough for true Communion
3. Thristing God desire for Consummation

Practicing the Presence of God - require much desperation

Hearing God: staying close, discerning the sound of God's voice require and overall approach to live in which I organize my day around staying close to Him.

In mood for God: conversation, development a conversational relationship.

Honesty that leads to Communion - willingness vs. willfulness, overcoming fears and idols and accepting our personal cross.

Experiencing Union - Forgiveness to Reconciliation to Union with God through Christ.

Paul only quote Jesus 3 times, how can that be?? however, there are 64 times mentioning he is living in Christ, interested in Christ in us and actualizing in Christ.

Primary Goals - Dearly love and delight in the heavenly Father (unable to jot down complete notes)

Secondary Goals - these indeed are great goals, but not primary goal.

1. Profession of perfectly correct doctrine
2. Seeking for special experiences
3. Faithfulness to church
4. External conformity
5. Social relationship and responsiblity

The 3rd key problem -
Focusing man on training than TRANSFORMATION: we can train people to like something, but only Jesus transform people inside out.

VIM model for change -
re-Vision: trinity, aspect of savior
Intention: intentional about change, willing to embrace, comes from desperation of pain.
Means: spiritual disciplines transformations.

任天狗

媽媽從香港回來後沉迷了遊戲機。或許早前跟孫兒玩得多，自己也上癮了。這次她不單在家玩Wii，還從香港帶來Nintendo DS。一向都喜歡狗仔的媽媽，愛心大到連其中的一個飼養狗仔的玩意也沉迷起來。這幾天晚上就是在幫媽媽訓練這隻「任天狗」 (真不知道是誰起的名，好像粗口似的) ，為了紀念我兒時第一隻養的狗，這隻「任天狗」取名為ShuShu。經過一輪時間、精神和耐性的訓練，媽媽這隻「假狗」終於識遞手手同sit。平時仲要同佢沖涼，帶佢去街，買日用品等等。這個玩意真不適合我，若不是要逗媽媽開心，這些時間的投資…不值得。

從小我也不太嗜遊戲機，只有一段很短的時期對Street Fighter投入了一陣子。再者，看到哥哥這麼多年來也是一個遊戲機‘癡’，除了上班的時間就是坐在電腦前打機至深夜或天光。有時並會以互聯網與同是機癡的人交流心得，這些打機文化真不太懂。

昨天晚上，媽媽拿著「任天狗」說：「幫我開機，我想看看ShuShu呀！」

「媽媽，你剛剛才帶佢行完街，佢要瞓的！」

「我知，我只是想看一看，我不會嘈醒牠的。」

在地上不遠處的菲菲，很無奈。

謝謝你的愛

大家對我的愛滿得傾瀉了！其實我好多了！連香港的Auntie也致電來慰問，實不敢當。好像多了一個媽媽。

能認識這個主內的姊妹是一個額外的獎賞，求主祝佑在遠方的她，身體健康，並且Uncle早日信主。

活得簡單就是最大的幸福！求主賜我們都有一顆滿足的心。真惜愛我們和我們愛的人。

有媽的孩子像個寶

媽媽回來了。同時也病了，幸而媽媽在，病得沒有那麼傷感，因為人人都說感冒是很傷感的病。

晚飯時，媽媽總是說我太忙，沒時間休息，又夜瞓，又早起，食無定時，梗係病啦。媽媽在家的時候總是囉囉唆唆喋喋不休的。你怎麼又病了但總不見你瘦？怎麼菲菲那麼髒？雪櫃裡的東西為什麼還未食？哥哥的房間怎麼亂？後園的花怎麼都枯死了？媽媽說的都是。我要求爸爸媽媽不要離開我太久，他們不在的時候身心總是很容易疲累。媽媽卻說主耶穌可能很快接我回天家的，很難答應你ga bor。而爸爸卻一口答應了，我懷疑他根本沒有聽我在說什麼，只管求其答應這個在生病又永遠長不大的女兒。有時不是不知道如何照顧自己，只是懶和想被照顧一下。

今天和一摯友通電話，她和另一個摯友說起我來。「怎麼最近連芬芬也變得負面了？是不是我們的負面傳染了她？我們該做些什麼呢？」聽到她們的談話，心裡會心微笑。我沒有變得負面，只是家人不在身邊又面對著太多事，累了而已。說到底，雖然在教會做很多的事情，但在家仍是爸爸媽媽哥哥們的小妹妹，其實倚賴性很強。可以時必會選擇倚賴。

或許如小龍所言：「小病的感覺很有趣，不是太辛苦，但又會有人送暖；病好了還會不捨得的…說到底，只是希望被問候、被關心、被掛念而已。」

在此感謝一眾打電話和MSN來的弟兄姊妹們，你們的關懷，收到。

Thoughts about Spirituality...

In light of God’s word and absorption from the different people’s writing, there are some thoughts about spirituality. It is a journey of going through rubbles in the past, smiling at some faces who added value in life and fisting on some who brought hurt. Each and every piece of these experiences made sense to my spiritual life picture to become whole. I will try to put these scattered pieces together, but the thoughts might still be scattered at the end.

Spiritually contented is always seen as hopeful, joyful, pleasant, productive in ministry and vision-oriented. This is indeed, perfect! While I went through some down side of life, when I am spiritually hopeless, sadness, desolated, and lost, it is as well part of the spiritual walk.

“A healthy faith gets us through that dark valley. Unhealthy faith makes you pretend the valley doesn’t even exist!”

What a hypocrite I am to pretend things are always fine, rather admitting the reality and speak to HIM of the precise condition is true. Spiritual hypocrite tends to ‘muscle up’ the spiritual experience, by completing, achieving and accomplishing the deeds. When I did these, I felt good about myself, indeed, I felt too good about myself. This is like a sugar coated pill, it makes me feel good just by swallowing it but would never find out what’s really inside. It is a self deception that the pill would do spiritual life good, rather the pill toxic it. This kind of ‘spiritual high’ doesn’t last and sustaining it causes exhaustion.

When the dust settled and in stillness, the true longing and desire within started to unfold. I mourned at the lost of friendship, the once very close fellowship serving experience died which I don’t have a chance to grief but to make a sharp turn to pretend nothing has ever happened and lead the rest to move on. It suffers my spiritual life.

And in stillness… God reveals the evilness within me, the unrighteous thoughts, self-justification and lust. I don’t feel good anymore about myself of what a sinner I actually am. Those hurting incidents and people started to dim in the light of God’s grace and forgiveness. The grudge holds against those who brought hurt were released.

In the midst of all these, Jesus shattered some dreams, ungodly relationship, deceiving spiritual experience and self-protection, however for what He shattered and took away, He replaced with Himself. Jesus sees it all and thinks that it is a good picture, and He likes it very much.